The release of the kooky space adventure The Outer Wilds is nearly upon us, with the game launching on both Xbox One and Epic Game Store on May 30. I’ve been spacefaring within the game in the meantime, discovering sights both awe-inspiring and bizarre, as well as meeting my demise. Uh, quite frequently, truth be told.
The Outer Wilds revels in its dark humor, often giving you more than enough tools for you to dig your own grave. Instead of being a source of frustration, it left me laughing at the memorable and grisly results of my own stupidity.
Come with me, reader, on a journey through the mangled, suffocated corpses of myself that I’ve left through time and space and in the belly of massive fishes.
1. I forgot to put on my spacesuit before I left the ship for the cold embrace of space. I promptly asphyxiated like a champ. Go me.
2. I flew into the sun by accident. It hurt.
3. I carefully navigated a series of asteroids only to find myself staring down the face of a literal angler fish the size of the moon. Reader, he ate me.
4. I was spelunking into the heart of a planet filled with many caverns. I miscalculated a jump and promptly fell to the bottom. The crack of my helmet and skull announced my doom.
5. I set my autopilot to lead me to a planet. It collided with another planet on the way there and bounced off, severely damaging my spaceship. I got out to fix my spaceship without turning off the autopilot only to watch my ship continue to zoom away, leaving me adrift in space. Crap.
6. I went in for a rough landing on a small moon. I got out before we came to a full stop but my spaceship kept going. It bounced around the moon, came back, and somehow knocked me out into the further reaches of space where, once again, I died.
7. I boarded a mysterious shuttle on an alien planet. Messing with some levers, I somehow initiated the shuttle’s autopilot. With much ceremony, it lifted off the planet and into the stars… shortly before flying directly into the path of a flaming asteroid. Given I just straight up committed some interstellar grand theft auto, I probably deserved this.
8. While exploring the belly of a mysterious planet, I uncovered a big dark sphere. I got too close and it sucked me in and teleported me to the other side of the planetary system, where I floated helplessly until I smashed into some space debris and died.
9. While I was walking around a small cavern filled ancient stone texts to decipher, some insect things on the floor electrocuted me to death.
10. I found a volcano that my scanner said was hiding a secret within. I slammed into the side of it, damaging my landing gear and camera systems. I went to leave my ship to repair said systems only to find that my door was hovering above the abyss next to the volcano: my ship hadn’t landed fully on the rim. I fell fast and far and soon was still and dead. R.I.P. me.
I’ve still got quite a bit more exploring to do before I’m anywhere near done with Outer Wilds. I’m sure that all of the above are just a grisly appetizer of what’s to come for my poor space-faring fellow.
For more on The Outer Wilds, check out our preview here.
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