Folks, we live in a modern world. I'm a modern woman. I'm evolved, and so is my love. I've written a few articles now about the darling Pokemon Tsareena, and we've all had a good laugh. TheGamer staff and TheGamer readers have all had a good chuckle about how I turn any new piece of Pokemon news into a Tsareena story, how I use Tsareena to illustrate my Pokemon stories, how I joke about my love for my mangosteen queen. Well we are not a joke, and neither is our love. Tsareena is my first, my last, my everything. Nobody baby but you and me. Pokemon Scarlet & Violet understands this love. Pokemon Scarlet & Violet will let me tshower with Tsareena.
In the latest Pokemon trailer, it took the unusual (but ingenious) step of showing off a lot of busywork. Sure, there were some major gameplay details revealed, like gym battles, raids, and the strange introduction of Far Cry outposts, but Scarlet & Violet are aware that the main draw of any Pokemon game is Pokemon. Sword & Shield let you make curry alongside your Pokemon, and Scarlet & Violet lets you take them out on picnics, carefully assembling delicious sandwiches made of a mystery meat, the source of which should not be interrogated too much, especially if you have a Lechonk on your team.
You can also give them a little shower, squirting them with the hose and brushing away any grime. When it's the likes of Lechonk, Bulbasaur, or Absol, it's a cute bonding experience as you groom your pet. When it's Charmander, it's deadly. And when it's Tsareena, it becomes a very loaded act indeed. There's a clear difference between washing down a grubby little Phanpy when it gets mucky and soaping up Tsareena's thick and fruity thighs. Using the washing mechanic on the likes of Gardevoir, Lopunny, and Machoke suddenly has very different connotations.
Of course, Pokemon doesn't let you physically shower, wet bodies intermingling in one hot, soapy creature of passion. You won't be leaving handprints on the glass while George Michael plays. But even if the hosing is innocent, it will feel like those cliched home movies of perfect ex-wives that drunken former detectives watch sadly in their filthy apartment as they contemplate everything they've lost. Tsareena giggling impishly as the water splashes down her front, before glaring at you in mock anger then leaping forward, wrestling you to the ground as the camera falls away and slips out of focus, the old canned laughter the only sound that echoes around the dingy room.
Whether or not tshowering with Tsareena ends up being fun and silly or just a bit creepy, underneath it all I'm glad Pokemon games are acknowledging that nobody gives a Farigiraf about battling much – we all care far more about bonding with our lil 'mons as we see them grow and evolve. All Pokemon games are secretly just horse girl games in disguise anyway. Adding in these sorts of playful minigames that we'd scoff at in other games underlines that. Making sandwiches and washing down weird little animals is mobile game fodder on the sorts of apps parents use as stand-in babysitters. It's a ridiculously shallow form of gameplay. And yet if I'm making that sandwich for a wonderful picnic with my wife Tsareena, I'm cutting off the crusts just as she likes it.
Everything I hear about Scarlet & Violet only makes me want to play it more. Tsareena has been confirmed for a long time, so unlike with Snap and Legends I'm not holding on for disappointment. We'll be together again at last. Tsandwiches. Tshowers. Tsareena. Baby, I'm there.
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