Pokemon Smash Or Pass: Hoenn Edition

Welcome to all of you who have braved the return to our weekly analysis of which Pokemon are hot, and which are not. Editor-in-Chief Stacey Henley and Tabletop Editor Joe Parlock were born without a shame gland, and thus have no problem publicising their opinions on Pokemon smashability.

In Kanto, Stacey took a slim, one smash lead, finishing with 38 smashes to Joe’s 39. However, the land of baby dorks (otherwise known as Johto) scratched Joe’s itch as he had nine more smashes, making for an eight smash lead. Both are trying to maintain a 25 percent success rate, and currently sit at 25.9 and 29.1 respectively. Let’s see where the rankings stand after our two hoes of Hoenn are through.

252 Treecko

Stacey: I don’t think I’m ever going to smash a first stage starter. Pass.

Joe: We arrive in my favourite region, and favourite generation of Pokemon. Unfortunately, we still start with a pass.

253 Grovyle

Joe: I actually prefer Grovyle over Sceptile design-wise. Smash-wise? Too teenagery, so pass.

Stacey: We say that about a lot of the mid-stage starters, but I don’t think it’s true here. Starting with a smash early.

254 Sceptile

Stacey: Balancing it out, I think it grows into something too ugly and bulky, so we’re passing here.

Joe: Grass-types are usually my favourite, but I really dislike Sceptile. Its head gets too doofy-looking after Grovyle, so a rare second-stage starter pass.

255 Torchic

Joe: I feel like this is a crime. Pass.

Stacey: The babiest of all the starters, ever? Definitely a pass.

256 Combusken

Stacey: This whole line is terrible. Pass.

Joe: It’s shaped like a willy, but that isn’t enough to get me on board. Pass.

257 Blaziken

Joe: At last, some quality. Blaziken is peak 2003 design, with the flame trousers and a bizarre jacket thing. It’s outdated, it’s tacky, yet he makes it work. Smash while we listen to MCR’s Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge album.

Stacey: It’s an ugly man chicken. Pass.

258 Mudkip

Stacey: Another child thing. Pass.

Joe: so i herd u dont liek mudkipz. Pass too, I just wanted to do the meme.

259 Marshtomp

Joe: Marshtomp looks like it’d be bullied at school. Biggest nerdy teenager of all Pokemon, and not in the endearing, maybe-I’d-smash-if-we-were-the-same-age way. Pass.

Stacey: I don’t see it at all, it’s just a dork. Pass.

260 Swampert

Stacey: I do see it here, but not enough to commit. Pass.

Joe: I know we’re not meant to be factoring in Mega-evolutions here, but Swampert is such a borderline case I’m making an exception. Base Swampert is a gentle smash, but Mega Swampert is a really easy, no-thoughts-crush-me-please-my-big-beautiful-himbo smash.

261 Poochyena

Joe: I wouldn’t judge you, but not for me. Pass.

Stacey: A little too small, so we have to pass.

262 Mightyena

Stacey: This is more like it. Hoenn has better delights in store, but I can get on the Mightyena train.

Joe: Our first mutual smash of Hoenn.

263 Zigzagoon

Joe: Sorry, it’s a smash purely on energy alone. This is a rascal; a scamp, and I want to see what it has to offer.

Stacey: It seems quite dirty, and not in a good way. Pass.

264 Linoone

Stacey: Cleaner, but just not my type I guess. Pass.

Joe: Really surprised at that, but also a pass.

265 Wurmple

Joe: It’ll be a cold day in Hell before I smash one of the worm Pokemon. Pass.

Stacey: Its time will come, but passing now.

266 Silcoon

Stacey: Still waiting. The Metapod experiment was enough.

Joe: If I had to pick between Silcoon and Cascoon, it’d be Silcoon. Fortunately I don’t have to pick, so pass.

267 Beautifly

Joe: I really hope this is the one Stacey’s waiting for and not Dustox. For me, it’s a very hesitant pass, even if that proboscis looks like fun.

Stacey: Beautifly is gorgeous, of course I was waiting for her. Smash, no question.

268 Cascoon

Stacey: I passed on Silcoon, what did you expect?

Joe: Metapod is looking really appealing right now. Pass.

269 Dustox

Joe: Look, I know I went for Parasect and that thing is actually dead, but I can’t get over the gross, dead eyes of Dustox. Trypophobe’s nightmare, pass.

Stacey: I was actually waiting for both, I find Dustox very compelling. Smash again.

270 Lotad

Stacey: Unbelievably cute, but not smash worthy. Pass.

Joe: I played Sapphire when it came out and only just noticed this thing has six legs. Pass, but I feel like I’ve learned something today.

271 Lombre

Joe: I don’t like the underdeveloped beak, pass.

Stacey: Agreed, the beak is the dealbreaker here.

272 Ludicolo

Stacey: I get it, I don’t want it. Pass.

Joe: More giant pineapple man for me, then. This guy looks like fun. An easy smash.

273 Seedot

Joe: As much as I can picture how this’d happen, I don’t want it. Pass.

Stacey: Yeah, can’t see this ending well. Pass.

274 Nuzleaf

Stacey: This rugged little go-getter though is a straightforward smash.

Joe: Why does it have nipples? Why are this and Miltank the only Pokemon so far with nipples? Why does an acorn boy need nipples? Pass.

275 Shiftry

Joe: Shiftry’s a smash, though. The disconcerting wooden nipples are gone, and that hair is just incredible.

Stacey: Another Hoenn line getting better then getting worse. Pass.

276 Taillow

Stacey: It’s just a little bird. Pass.

Joe: My favourite of the early-dex birds, but it’s a pass.

277 Swellow

Joe: This handsome, regal fella is a smash, though. Swellow looks like it’d judge me for being poor, but I’d be his guilty pleasure.

Stacey: I understand it, but given my fear of birds, I need to be true to myself and pass.

278 Wingull

Stacey: I mean, even without the fear. Pass.

Joe: It’s too cute to smash, so pass.

279 Pelipper

Joe: Have you ever seen that weird thing pelicans do, where they regurgitate their spine out of their mouth in a gross flesh-sack? Anyway, pass on Pelipper.

Stacey: I expected you to smash to be honest, but it’s an easy pass for me even before that image.

280 Ralts

Stacey: Just a lil runt. Pass.

Joe: Batten down the hatches, Stacey’s time is coming. This is a little kid, and I’m not all that fond of the whole line. Pass.

281 Kirlia

Joe: A slightly bigger little kid. Pass.

Stacey: A difficult ethical question, because she is clearly meant to look feminine, and we’re smashing dogs and piles of goo here, but she looks too human, she’s like a little girl. So pass, too uncomfortable.

282 Gardevoir

Stacey: No question. No doubts. No hesitation. One of the most smashable Pokemon in existence. Easy, simple, smash.

Joe: I’d be a fool if I pretended to not get that, Gardevoir is hot. I know her brother is just outside, though, so I’m going to pass.

283 Surskit

Joe: This is the Seedot problem again. I can see the mechanics of it, but don’t want it. Pass.

Stacey: Even mechanically, I’m not sure I understand. Pass.

284 Masquerain

Stacey: That's more like it. Masquerain is one of the most underrated beauties of Pokemon. Smash for sure.

Joe: Also a smash, giving Masquerain the most attention it’s ever had in its existence. It gets lost in the Beautifuly and Dustox shuffle, but this is where it’s at.

285 Shroomish

Joe: Ew, no, fungal infection. Pass.

Stacey: One of the better mushroom based Pokemon but still not for me. Pass.

286 Breloom

Stacey: I respect it but I don’t quite get it. Pass again.

Joe: I don’t like the claws, pass.

287 Slakoth

Joe: I adore Slakoth, but it’s more in the same way I like Slowpoke. Ethically questionable to smash, but I love it all the same.

Stacey: Pass, I hate this line.

288 Vigoroth

Stacey: See above.

Joe: Oh my god I love this line, and it just gets better and better from here. In any other gen, Vigoroth would’ve been the easiest smash, but when his dad is just around the corner, it’s going to be a nice, respectful smash instead.

289 Slaking

Joe: Words cannot describe how desperately I want to smash. This is a big hunk of man who could do whatever he likes with me. The beard, the brows, the doesn’t-give-a-damn attitude. This is the stuff dreams are made of, so a mega-mega-nuclear smash. And here’s Stacey to call me weird…

Stacey: I just hate it. It’s big and ugly, it’s irritating to use, it doesn’t really fit together as a line… it’s just bad. Pass.

290 Nincada

Stacey: Most of the bugs that just look like lil creepy crawlies are going to be a pass.

Joe: Really solid design, but a solid design does not a smash make. Pass.

291 Ninjask

Joe: It’s a smash for Ninjask, though. It’s got that edgy ‘00s energy that I liked about Blaziken, but in a slightly more cohesive package. I’m picking up what it’s putting down.

Stacey: I see it, but definitely not my type. Pass.

292 Shedinja

Stacey: Dead bug. Gross. Pass.

Joe: Not even a dead bug, just dead bug skin, which makes it grosser. Pass.

293 Whismur

Joe: Whismur’s one of those annoying, whiny twinks. Pass.

Stacey: I like Whismur, it’s just not a ‘smash’ kind of like.

294 Loudred

Stacey: You know, Loudred is cute. I like it. Let’s smash.

Joe: Finally, another Loudred liker. Smash.

295 Exploud

Joe: I think Exploud is a little over-designed after Loudred, but it’s still a smash. I don’t like that its lip flesh has moved onto its back, though.

Stacey: Agree that it’s a downgrade but not quite enough to change my mind. A less enthusiastic smash here.

296 Makuhita

Stacey: Cute, but no smash. A running theme.

Joe: It only being one metre tall puts me off smashing, even if I like its energy. Pass.

297 Hariyama

Joe: Meanwhile, Hariyama is just over two metres tall, making this a big, smashable boy who can take all kinds of punishment. Not my favourite Fighting-type, but one I will glady smash.

Stacey: This feels like a very obvious Joe smash, but I can see myself with Hariyama too, so it’s another smash.

298 Azurill

Stacey: Here we part ways, however. Pass.

Joe: Flashbacks of Babyville, Johto. Pass.

299 Nosepass

Joe: Would I smash the heads on Easter Island? Maybe? But the thought of them smashing me back is terrifying, so it’s a NosePASS.

Stacey: Well now I have to write a new line if I can’t have NosePASS. Let’s try… NOsepass.

300 Skitty

Stacey: Very cute. Not very smashable. Pass.

Joe: I’d understand, but no. Pass.

301 Delcatty

Joe: I’d understand this a bit more than Skitty, but it’s still a pass for me.

Stacey: This one is an easy smash. Majestic and glorious.

302 Sableye

Stacey: I’ve always loved Sableye’s energy. He gets a smash from me any time.

Joe: One of the rare times when gremlin energy actually works, it’s smashes all-round for Sableye.

303 Mawile

Joe: Mawile terrifies me. This is an eldritch being whose anatomy I don’t understand. Smash.

Stacey: I was about to accuse you of terrible taste but you came to the right conclusion. Mawile is one of Hoenn’s many beauties, and maybe the most interesting. Smash.

304 Aron

Stacey: A lump of metal that is also a child, somehow. Pass.

Joe: I don’t like that it just has a normal human name. Aaron. Pass.

305 Lairon

Joe: Hoenn sure does have a lot more smashable middle-evolutions than the other two gens, doesn’t it? Big, metallic boy gets a smash.

Stacey: It does, but I don’t think this is one of them. Pass.

306 Aggron

Stacey: Not my thing. Pass.

Joe: Absolutely my thing. Smash.

307 Meditite

Joe: Stupid useless onion-headed little freak. Pass pass pass.

Stacey: Nah, Meditite seems precocious and intelligent. I have to say smash here.

308 Medicham

Stacey: Unfortunately it gets worse, so pass here.

Joe: I hate this entire line, pass.

309 Electrike

Joe: The only thing I don’t like about Electrike is how long its head is. If it wasn’t for that, I could maybe smash. As it is, pass for weird-headed-sparky-dog.

Stacey: It’s on the borderline, but it just about works. Smash here.

310 Manectric

Stacey: It gets so much worse. Easy pass. It looks ridiculous.

Joe: Why does the dog-thing evolve into a gibbon? Pass.

311 Plusle

Joe: I like these Pikachu-clones more than the original, but they are still just ripping off a celebrity hoping to get some of that pizazz. Pass, but I love them both.

Stacey: I get that, but I see their charm enough. Smash.

312 Minun

Stacey: And Minun makes three. Smash again.

Joe: Same answer as last time. Love them, but not a smash.

313 Volbeat

Joe: Anyone who says Volbeat is their favourite Pokemon is a liar. Nobody remembers this. Would smash because he gives off absolutely flaming vibes, but… who cares about Volbeat?

Stacey: I don’t particularly care about Volbeat but I love the sassy energy. Smash for sure.

314 Illumise

Stacey: Another underrated gem of the Hoenn isles. Smash for this lovely lady.

Joe: Illumise is basically Volbeat without the sass. Pass.

315 Roselia

Joe: This gen feels rigged in Stacey’s favour. Pass.

Stacey: A five-strong smash streak seems to suggest you're correct. Big ol’ smash.

316 Gulpin

Stacey: All things must end. Pass.

Joe: I wish this was a smash so I could make the obvious ‘gulpin’ down this-’ joke, but unfortunately he’s just a gross little blob. Pass.

317 Swalot

Joe: Swalot is still a blob, but a hot one. Maybe not as much as Muk, but one I’d still be happy to sink down into. Smash.

Stacey: I’m not against blobs as a rule, but the little moustache puts me off. Pass for sure.

318 Carvanha

Stacey: I don’t trust this thing even a little bit. Pass.

Joe: You don’t have to trust something to smash it. The jaw, the brows, the danger, this is a rare fish smash.

319 Sharpedo

Joe: I get he’s meant to look like a bullet, but I don’t like how Sharpedo just abruptly ends. This shark has a severe lack of cake, so it’s a pass.

Stacey: I didn’t smash Kirlia and I won’t smash the ‘pedo. Pass.

320 Wailmer

Stacey: Obviously not.

Joe: Obviously? Obviously nothing, this is a smash.

321 Wailord

Joe: My smashes tend to skew towards the big boys, but maybe there is an upper limit to that. Wailord isn’t it, though, smash that blue whale.

Stacey: Sticking with my ‘obviously not’ answer.

322 Numel

Stacey: Hitting a dry spell here. Bring back Illumise.

Joe: Stoner himbo vibe makes Numel a surprising smash.

323 Camerupt

Joe: This is a sturdy lad, but one I can’t quite bring myself to smash. Pass.

Stacey: Not the ugliest Pokemon here, but a combination of factors makes it perhaps the most unsmashable. Pass.

324 Torkoal

Stacey: Zero appeal here. Pass.

Joe: Smoking is one of those things that’s hotter conceptually than in practice. Pass.

325 Spoink

Joe: I mean… it’s bouncing anyway? Smash? I think?

Stacey: If it stops bouncing, it dies, which is just too much pressure. Pass.

326 Grumpig

Stacey: This little rump roast is more like it. Back in Smashville.

Joe: I thought this was going to be a pass, but the more I look at it the more I get it. Smash.

327 Spinda

Joe: This one feels unethical, he has no idea where he is. Pass.

Stacey: I did not know that and will carry on regardless because these creatures are fictional anyway. Smash on Spinda.

328 Trapinch

Stacey: It comes back to a lack of trust here. Pass.

Joe: The simplicity of his design is A+, but doesn’t give you a lot to work with when smashing. Pass.

329 Vibrava

Joe: This line makes zero sense. Pass.

Stacey: Yeah, it’s a weird line. Vibrava is closer than I’d like to admit, but still a pass all things considered.

330 Flygon

Stacey: The line redeems itself. A nice little smash at the end of it all.

Joe: This line still makes zero sense, but at least it gets kind of hot at the end. Smash.

331 Cacnea

Joe: Love a short king, this is a prickly smash.

Stacey: I was going to wait, but thinking about it, I still see it with Cacnea. Smash, but not quite as readily as the next one.

332 Cacturne

Stacey: I love this emo dude. Choke me with those spiky saguaro arms daddy. Smash, definitely.

Joe: I was not expecting you to be so eager about Cacturne, but I guess historically you have gone for the plant people. Cacturn’s definitely a smash, but it does lose some of appeal from Cacnea. Less a king, more just a good smash.

333 Swablu

Joe: Tiny Bird #3 for Hoenn is still a pass.

Stacey: Yep, no choice but to pass.

334 Altaria

Stacey: Altaria deserves its place amongst Hoenn’s heavenly beauties, it’s just a simple case of ‘not my type’. You deserve happiness though, Altaria.

Joe: Another shock, Hoenn is just full of surprises. The scraggly, scrawny neck really puts me off Altaria, pass.

335 Zangoose

Joe: One of the easiest non-Slaking smashes of this gen. Zangoose is distilled nu-metal energy pushed into a fluffy, fuzzy body. This guy is so angry, and we’d do so much kissing.

Stacey: It’s not quite as easy as all that, but Zangoose is still a smash for me, too.

336 Seviper

Stacey: I didn’t really get it with the other snakes, and they weren’t anywhere near this ugly. Pass.

Joe: Overdesigned, and the enemy of my Zangoose is also my enemy. Pass.

337 Lunatone

Joe: Screw it, I’d smash the moon. Why not? Smash.

Stacey: I prefer the other, but I’d also want to check this one out. Smash.

338 Solrock

Stacey: Smash again. This one feels like it would be my favourite.

Joe: I was only smashing Lunatone because it looks endearingly weird. Solrock is just a spiky ball, so it’s a pass.

339 Barboach

Joe: It’s a fish, and not even a hot one like Carvanha. Pass.

Stacey: Yeah there’s just no way this is happening. Pass.

340 Whiscash

Stacey: I suppose I see more appeal here, but still a pass.

Joe: Glad you see the appeal, because I’m smashing this goofy fish.

341 Corphish

Joe: The dead eyes, the claws, the general not-quite-crab-ness of it, absolutely not. Hard pass.

Stacey: Don’t trust it, don’t like it. Pass.

342 Crawdaunt

Stacey: As above, but add in that it is disgustingly ugly. Pass.

Joe: Well this is awkward, because Crawdaunt has enough pizazz to make me want to smash, despite the crabness.

343 Baltoy

Joe: Throw this on the pile with Seedot and Surskit. We all know how, but I don’t want to. Pass.

Stacey: Bring back my girls. My smash ratio is falling fast. Pass all day.

344 Claydol

Stacey: The curiosity over this one is definitely worth investigating. Smash on this one.

Joe: Claydol melts when it gets wet, which feels like a dealbreaker for this exercise. I’d want to, but out of concern for its own safety, it’s a pass.

345 Lileep

Joe: Absolutely not, pass for the gross sea-worm-thing.

Stacey: Live a little. I’ve always thought this line had a little flair that a lot of similar ‘mons lack. Smash.

346 Cradily

Stacey: Another post-evo downgrade, but not enough to put me off. Smash again.

Joe: Really lowering your standards for that 25 percent pass rate, huh. Pass for the second gross sea-worm-thing.

347 Anorith

Joe: “Lowering your standards” I say, as I look at Anorith and think he has potential. Not enough to smash, but it came disturbingly close.

Stacey: I said ‘no’ to a lot of 50/50 choices in Johto, which feels against the spirit of the game. I already feel bad for skipping Altaria. That’s to justify Lileep, though. Going nowhere near this one.

348 Armaldo

Stacey: No chance.

Joe: This is a Nidoqueen that felt the need to try too hard. You can’t beat royalty, and Armaldo seems even worse because it tried. Pass.

349 Feebas

Joe: Just wait. For now, it’s a pass.

Stacey: Basically Joe’s answer.

350 Milotic

Stacey: One of the most magnificent Pokemon ever designed. If you would not smash Milotic then I am afraid we cannot be friends.

Joe: Milotic is beauty incarnate, how can you not smash the living embodiment of all that is gorgeous? Smash.

351 Castform

Joe: I can’t. I can’t smash the weather. I’m sorry, but I can’t do it.

Stacey: Also it has weird little testicles. Pass.

352 Kecleon

Stacey: I admire Kecleon, but I do not want to smash it. A neat, entirely sexless idea. Like Tom Cruise.

Joe: It’s almost impressive how devoid of sex Kecleon is. Pass, but you go lil’ fella.

353 Shuppet

Joe: Yes we know what it looks like, no I won’t smash it. Pass.

Stacey: Yes we know what it looks like, yes I would smash it.

354 Banette

Stacey: I have never understood Banette’s origin lore when it evolves from Shuppet, but if we add in the Mega version, I would smash.

Joe: I can’t put my finger on what it is about Banette that’d make me smash it, but I want to. The Hoenn ghost-types are fantastic, and Banette feels like the hottest of the bunch.

355 Duskull

Joe: A little guy that manages to not feel like a child, Duskull is a smash for the goth boy energy.

Stacey: Nah, still a pass. Like a weird Mario enemy.

356 Dusclops

Stacey: Maybe a little better? Maybe not. Pass all the same.

Joe: This line gets way, way better next gen, but I’d still smash Dusclops. It’s the hands.

357 Tropius

Joe: Ah, Tropius. The Lapras of the Forest. He feels more grizzled and mature than Lapras, though, which makes this leafy diplodocus a smash.

Stacey: My smash counter is being thoroughly derailed by Hoenn’s weirdest creatures. Pass for sure.

358 Chimecho

Stacey: Yeah, you know, I’m into this. The red tail isn’t great, but it has a sweet face. Smash.

Joe: Windchimes make me almost murderously angry. They’re antisocial, inconsiderate, and downright annoying. I would only smash Chimecho with a hammer. Pass.

359 Absol

Joe: I don’t get Absol’s design, but I don’t need to to know this… monkey? Dog? Grim Reaper? Is hot as hell. He can get it. Smash.

Stacey: It’s a Bai Ze, and it’s also a smash.

360 Wynaut

Stacey: No babies. Easy rule to follow. Pass.

Joe: “Wynaut”? Because it’s a baby, that’s wynaut. Pass.

361 Snorunt

Joe: Not officially a baby, but it feels baby enough to be a pass.

Stacey: It doesn’t necessarily seem like a baby to me, but it’s still definitely not smashable.

362 Glalie

Stacey: Its sister in a future gen is way hotter. Pass.

Joe: Sometimes scary can be hot, but not with Glalie. This thing is just a nightmare. Pass.

363 Spheal

Joe: I want to hug it and squeeze it, not smash it. Pass, but with love.

Stacey: Yeah, this is pretty much exactly how I feel. Pass here, but I still love ya.

364 Sealeo

Stacey: Another Hoenn mid-stager that brings its line’s peak, smash-wise. Smash here.

Joe: I like how giving Sealeo a moustache makes it a smash, but I’m a simple guy with simple tastes. Smash.

365 Walrein

Joe: It’s almost too much, now. I’d still smash, but Walrein needs to wal-rein it in a bit.

Stacey: No, this passes smashable and comes back to Pass City.

366 Clamperl

Stacey: Hoenn just isn’t a very trustworthy gen, is it? Pass.

Joe: I think it’s you that needs to be a bit more trusting, if anything. Pass because it’s asleep. And a clam.

367 Huntail

Joe: It’s almost so ‘ew’ it loops back around to ‘y’know, maybe?’. Almost being the operative word. Pass.

Stacey: This felt like a Joe Smash all day long, but an easy pass for me.

368 Gorebyss

Stacey: Gorebyss could get it though. I know it would kill me afterwards, but it reminds me of Mass Effect’s Morinth. Death is just the price to pay. Smash.

Joe: “When it spots prey, this Pokemon inserts its thin mouth into the prey’s body and drains the prey of its body fluids”. Pass.

369 Relicanth

Joe: Yeah I’ll smash the prehistoric grandpa-fish, why not?

Stacey: There’s the weird, unexplainable Joe Smash I was expecting. A pass from me, a normal person. Well, relatively.

370 Luvdisc

Stacey: I know I said I was normal, but I’m smashing Luvdisc, so take that into account I guess.

Joe: I just don’t see how this one would work, which after ghosts, goo, and multiple fish is surprising. Pass.

371 Bagon

Joe: I hate how top-heavy Bagon is. Like 50 percent of its body mass is in its gross head, and none of it is in the arms. Pass.

Stacey: Like a Machop with a head injury. Pass.

372 Shelgon

Stacey: Two buttholes, one of which has eyes inside it. Pass, but I see why that description appeals, I guess.

Joe: If I was going purely off of your description, it would’ve been a smash. Unfortunately, I’m looking at Shelgon right now and it’s like a rugby ball that doesn’t want to be alive anymore. Pass.

373 Salamence

Joe: Oh baby is this a smash. Crush me, big dragon daddy.

Stacey: I don’t see the inherent appeal with dragons the way I clearly do with other creatures, so I’m passing with acknowledgement that Salamence has everything you need to be smashable.

374 Beldum

Stacey: What if your vibrator had three razor blades at the end of it? I’d pass, that’s what.

Joe: Okay, this is one of those “untrustworthy” Pokemon you’ve mentioned. I get it, now. Beldum doesn't, though. Pass.

375 Metang

Joe: And now we enter possibly the smashiest-stretch of Pokemon in the entire dex. Those big, strong arms may be made of metal, but we’d still cuddle. Smash.

Stacey: I am going to be the second biggest hoe in Hoenn, I just know it. Passing here, and will be passing on a few of this mysterious upcoming streak.

376 Metagross

Stacey: I love this shiny especially, but it’s not smash-worthy. Or is it…?

Joe: It’s a slight downgrade from Metang, but I’d still smash it and remember the fonder days.

377 Regirock

Joe: The hottest of the three Regis, Regirock is a big, strong man. Golem. Pokemon. Whatever, it’s big and I want to smash.

Stacey: I hate the Regis and this one is the worst. Pass.

378 Regice

Stacey: If I had to pick a Regi, and for completionists sake I feel I do, it would be Regice, so we’ll smash and see where that gets us.

Joe: Regice is the least-smashable of the Regis for me, but it is a hunk of ice, and Rule of Cool goes a long way. Smash.

379 Registeel

Joe: If Regice is the least smashable, and I still smashed it, it only stands to reason Registeel can get smashed too. I like how smooth and round it is.

Stacey: One was enough. Pass.

380 Latias

Stacey: The most smashable Legendaries ever. Sign me up for both twins. Definite smash.

Joe: There’s a slight blip in my Hoenn smash stretch, unfortunately. I just don’t like Latias as much as Latios, so it’s a pass.

381 Latios

Joe: Hell yeah, Dragon Plane Boy can have a smash though. Sorry, Latias.

Stacey: I said both twins and I meant both twins. Smash all day.

382 Kyogre

Stacey: I made a big show of passing Wailmer and co., but I think I’m smashing here. Something compelling about it.

Joe: Weirdly, I’m more sold on Wailmer than Kyogre, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t smash the legendary god of the seas. Those big flippers remind me of Lugia, too, who we already decided is incredibly hot.

383 Groudon

Joe: Kyogre’s a no-brainer, of course I’m smashing the walking JCB digger.

Stacey: This is a Digimon. An ugly Digimon. Pass.

384 Rayquaza

Stacey: I love Rayquaza, but I don’t think it’s especially smashable. I wouldn’t even know how to say its name when I’m screaming it out.

Joe: Rayquza has the same appeal as Arbok. It’ll be too busy choking me for me to be doing any screaming. I’m not big on the red teeth, but it’s still an enthusiastic smash.

385 Jirachi

Joe: Finally, a Legendary I can pass on. This is a child.

Stacey: akshully it’s a 3,000 year old dragon inside a child’s body. You know, I don’t see ‘childlike’. I see a celestial body of purity. I think it has to be a smash.

386 Deoxys

Stacey: Well, I’m going to be a distant second place and lose sight of Joe even further with this gen, but at least I can end on a smash.

Joe: I was obsessed with Deoxys when I was a kid. Defense forme is probably my favourite, but I’d smash it in any configuration.

Final Score

Stacey: 43/135 = 31.1 percent (overall total 108/386 = 28 percent)

Joe: 53/135 = 39.3 percent (overall total 126/386 = 32.6 percent)

Joe wins Hoenn by an impressive (or perhaps humiliating) ten smashes, which gives him a 18 smash lead overall. As Pokemon become more like humanoid women, Stacey could close that gap, but it will take decisive action. Next week, we’re in Sinnoh, Stacey’s and Joe’s least favourite gen, so we might see a lot more passes. Probably not, though.

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