How Does Stranger Of Paradise Final Fantasy Origin’s Protagonist Expect To Kill Chaos In A T-Shirt?

The lead character in Stranger Of Paradise Final Fantasy Origin (colons are dead) wants to kill Chaos. Whether Chaos is a person, a demon, or a concept made manifest, I have no idea. The game’s demo is now fixed but I haven’t had the chance to play it, and the trailer itself didn’t have anything to hint at exactly what Chaos is – all I know is that Mr. Stranger of Paradise wants to kill it, a fact he repeats over and over and over again until you’re convinced he has some sort of Woody-from-Toy-Story-style pull string on his back, with “I’m going to kill Chaos!” being one of his pre-recorded phrases, presumably along with “it’s not a phase mom!”

But here’s the thing – how can he expect to kill Chaos while he’s dressed in a t-shirt? Final Fantasy is a famously fashionable franchise. Lightning even modelled for Louis Vuitton in one of the strangest cross-marketing campaigns of all time, and I’m still incensed that we didn’t get any of her outfits in the game itself. Even without them though, Lightning’s style ripped. Sephiroth constantly kills it too, while Cloud, Fran, and Yuna bring it to the party, even if Yuna’s horrific rattail gets in the way of her lewk just a little bit. Even Noctis, who looks like he fell into a rack at Hot Topic then stumbled out again, has a clear style. I’m not sure how much I like it, but undeniably, Noctis has a style.

I haven’t played Final Fantasy 14, mostly because I think I’ve been out of the loop too long to get into it, but every single screenshot I’ve seen has people serving. So who thought it was a good idea to have Mr. Stranger of Paradise rock up in a t-shirt? This isn’t even one of those douchebag skin tight Ed Hardy t-shirts that pose as something fashionable when they are, in fact, just an expensive t-shirt. This is a cheap Primark t-shirt that he’s worn around the house for a few days already.

The worst part is the rest of the game goes just as hard as Final Fantasy should. One of Mr. Stranger of Paradise’s friends (the twink one), has leather armour, a Cloud style single spiked epaulette, and thigh highs that turn into assless chaps via garters. His other friend (the butch one) has flourishes everywhere, with every single trim of his outfit adorned in silver engravings. He also has what appears to be simultaneously a cape and a popped collar, just for added spectacle.

It’s strange, because Mr. Stranger of Paradise wearing a t-shirt isn’t even realistic. I know a lot of in-game armour is designed for purely aesthetic purposes, and Cloud’s Buster Sword is probably the best example of this. But a t-shirt is maybe the most unrealistic thing yet. Sure, the extra frills that Lightning and Sephiroth and the Twink One have don’t need to be there necessarily, but they are warriors dressed for warfare. They might have gone a bit far, but they understand what they need to do. Chaos, whatever it is, isn’t going to take some dude in a t-shirt seriously. At least wear a long sleeved one, right? I’ll play the game for the Twink One, but there’d better be an option to give Mr. Stranger of Paradise a jacket.

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