Pokemon is a game all about making different Pokemon fight each other, so it begs the question – which Pokemon would win in a fight? Fresh from figuring out which pop star would make the best Pokemon trainer, I have decided to launch a second totally real and not at all made up investigation to answer the ultimate question in Pokemon.
First off, there are a few ground rules. Number one, this is a fight rather than a battle, so no moves or powers. Number two, it’s a battle royale – no tournament, no one-on-ones, just every Pokemon ever battling it out at once until one emerges victorious. Number three, no Legendaries or Mythicals. Not because I think they’d walk it, but because I don’t want to hear a load of people telling me the winner would definitely be Mewtwo when I’ve personally kicked its arse as Kirby in Smash. Number four, you do not talk about Pokemon fight club.
Actually, scratch that last one. I’ve spent months of my life on this experiment – please tell everybody you know so that my work has not been in vain.
I’m not going to give you a blow-by-blow of the entire battle, since there are far too many Pokemon and I don’t think we need the gory details of Tsareena stomping on Caterpie; although that sort of fan fiction probably does exist out there in the bowels of the internet. Instead, I’m going to focus on our final five, as well as a few Pokemon you might have expected to do well, but in the end flopped quite badly. You should also be aware that, over the course of my investigation, it emerged that the truth of the PokeDex should be taken with a rather large pinch of salt.
One of the biggest failures was Machamp. Despite having four arms all designed for pummeling, there’s a lot of vanity muscle going on there. Machamp skips leg day, and a no-holds-barred battle like this did not suit them well. In fact, most of the Fighting types did poorly in such a hectic fight without regulations, although one did make it through to the last five. Tanky Pokemon like Snorlax, Blissey, and Slaking were also not fit for such a chaotic battle, quickly tapping out to go and get some rest. Finally, bigger Pokemon like Gyarados, Steelix, Tyranitar, and Dracovish were typically teamed up on by the smaller ‘mons, making for a fairer fight once the big guns were out.
Meanwhile, pretty much all of the Flying and Ghost types went out early. A ‘no powers’ match-up did not suit them at all, so they all exited without leaving much of a mark. For obvious reasons, Bug Pokemon also fared poorly. Humanoid Pokemon also tended to do well, although it’s not all humanoids in the final five. Now without further ado, let’s meet the finalists: Kabutops, Palossand, Falinks, Gardevoir, and Goodra. This is not my opinion, remember. I spent months in the field testing this, and I can confirm these are the final five that would emerge if you made every Pokemon fight one another.
Kabutops got there because it has incredibly strong bones, and comes with actual knives on its arms. However, unlike a lot of Steel Pokemon with blades, it survived being ganged up on. Kabutops is basically Alisa Bosconovitch from Tekken with those arms. Palossand on the other hand is an actual sandcastle, and you’d think it would be a pushover, but how exactly do you beat sand in a fight? Everyone pretty much ignored Palossand because nobody figured out how to fight it. Falinks is actually six smaller Pokemon in one, meaning it can single handedly out number any other ‘mon, and it can also stack itself to be almost ten feet tall if it needs to, so it’s an excellent all-rounder for a battle royale. Gardevoir meanwhile has been walking around with what appears to be a red knife through her chest her entire life, so she’s clearly hard as nails. Goodra is there because it’s so gooey nobody really wanted to touch it – no big mystery there.
But who won? Well, to find that out, you’ll have to tune in next week for the exciting finale of Which Pokemon Would Win In A Fight?
Just kidding, it was Kabutops. The dude’s made of rock and has knife arms. You think Kabutops gets beaten by a sandcastle? Please.
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Stacey Henley is an editor for TheGamer, and can often be found journeying to the edge of the Earth, but only in video games. Find her on Twitter @FiveTacey
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